I moved to the United States permanently, with my husband and son, at
the age of forty-three.
My mother passed away while I was here and my father, not having to
take care of her anymore, came to visit me all by himself at the age of eighty nine. How
old and brave he looked coming out of the airport, leaning on a stick! He also passed
away, in Italy, two years later. I was living a difficult moment and one morning, about two
weeks after his problems. All of a sudden I felt his presence very clearly. The feeling was the same we have when we know that somebody is standing next to us but we aren’t looking at him. It lasted for about twenty minutes, and that was the one and only time I experienced it.
For a long time I was unable to put this episode into writing. I
couldn’t find a poignant way to describe it because, in a peculiar way, it was very ordinary, devoid of
emotion. My father was simply there, speaking to me mind to mind. In A Grief Observed, C.S.
Lewis defines his encounter with his deceased wife as “business-like”, yet sharply
restorative. There is no nonsense about the dead, he writes. They are full of resolution. Utterly
reliable. So much so that I calmed down immediately and for good. From that moment on I asked my father
for help every time I was worried, and I sure had reasons to be. I was taking medications
for my insomnia, but obsessive thoughts were keeping me awake at night. It’s not an
overstatement to say that I was becoming suicidal, because that is one of the dangers of persistent
lack of sleep.
I was in bad shape, yet I recovered literally overnight, and that’s the right way to
put it, for I slept all night
through. My thoughts shifted in a different direction, and I felt that
there was no point in obsessing over my problems. All I had to do was to wait, and the
solution would come up sooner or later, even if I couldn’t take any action to achieve it.
In a way I
became irresponsible, yet that was my safety. There is only so much a person can do to change a
certain situation, and it’s useless and even dangerous to loose sleep over things that one cannot
accomplish. My recovery was so sudden, it can be considered as a miraculous healing.
In the last years I have learned to pray to Jesus when I
have a problem instead of asking my father for help, but I haven’t forgotten that day on the
porch, when I felt his presence so clearly. How did that happen? I wasn’t thinking about him
at that moment, of that I’m sure. He just popped out in my mind, maybe out of my pain and
my need for consolation. But perhaps he was really there to heal me, and honestly
that’s what I
believe. My son would say that this is a belief with no evidence, but
what kind of evidence are we looking for? I am content with my recovered ability to
sleep through the night.
Let’s assume that my father was really there in spirit. If one believes
that, then it doesn’t take such a big leap of faith to believe that Jesus appeared to his disciples
after his death. No matter how much I loved my father, I must say that he was a regular,
faulty human being. Jesus was not: He was perfect. From that perfection, a more
substantial presence could certainly stem, that is to
say, a “glorified body”. Jesus’ presence could not only be perceived, it could be seen, heard, even touched.
As for me, I felt his love pouring over me once, but it lasted only a
few seconds. I blew it thinking that I was deluding myself, that it couldn’t be real. I
regretted it and wondered if I would be able to keep my rational mind shut if it happened again. It did one night, and I had no time to formulate any thoughts of doubt because I immediately fell asleep.
The first time my thoughts were just like my son's thoughts: How could someone who lived two thousand years ago be
there for me, care about me? I literally felt that he was embracing me with his love. It
was powerful, and I couldn’t take it. Romano Guardini wrote:
“When we experience any powerful sensation…the instant we try to
understand it, the current is cut. Wakefulness is wonderful but tiring, and we long to lose ourselves
in sleep. Sleep is pleasant, but how terrible to sleep away half of our lives!”
I make amend for being too rational and I thank Jesus for revealing
himself to me. Had he left me alone, I would have slept away my entire life.
2 comments:
That's quite an experience you had with your father. My wife has a similar, though I don't think as intense, relationship with her father who passed away a while back. My mother mentions certain moments of feeling people's presences who have died. I can't say I've ever had that kind of experience. Well, now that I think back, there was a moment I felt my father speaking to me but it was so nebulous that I can't put it into definitive words.
I think this experience put me on the path to faith. I thank my father for that.
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