My coming close to Christianity was not a conversion, in fact I was
raised Catholic. It was not an epiphany, for I wasn’t struck by a sudden perception of universal
truth. It was an assent and a relationship. It had its moments of adrenaline running through my blood
when I thought that I had finally grasped something important. It was so pervasive that I had
to put down notes, then entire pages. Should I jump to the conclusion
that my interest deprived me of any objectivity? My enthusiasm wasn’t typical of my personality:
I had never felt so passionate about anything before. Do I have to assume that this passion
has impaired my
judgment? Or would it be more reasonable to take my feelings into
consideration as the factor that allowed me to direct my cognitive energy in the proper way?
I felt a strong pressure on my chest and
between my shoulders, as if someone was squishing my body with both hands. I
registered the peculiarity of that sensation, but at the same time I felt so
tired that I fell asleep again. Several times during that night I found myself
half-awake, experiencing that pressure in a sort of stupor. The following
morning I wondered what had happened and
I got scared. I must admit that the thought of an evil presence crossed my
mind. When night came again I didn’t dare to turn off the lights around the
apartment. Luckily I didn’t have to
be ashamed to tell my husband that I was afraid and why, because I knew he would understand in spite of
his professed rationality.
A day later I run to church. I almost
couldn’t bring myself to talk to the priest, although I knew that if anybody in
the world would believe my evil perception, it would be precisely a priest. Nevertheless,
I was embarrassed. I quickly asked him if he could give me something, anything
to make me feel safe at night. He offered me a Bible and a cross that doesn’t
look much like a cross, being a reproduction of an Irish one from the 8th
century. Had it looked more like what it was, I wouldn’t have had the courage
of hanging it on the bed. A crucifix in my room? It was just too weird.
For several nights I was still afraid,
although I did believe that the cross was protecting me. I don’t know what I
experienced and I don’t feel the need to investigate it. But if that was the
Devil trying to get a hold of me, he obtained the opposite result, for I
started reading the Bible all over again, this time the English version that
the priest gave to me
Having failed his attempts to corrupt Jesus,
in the Gospel of Luke Satan “departed from him for a time”. The Devil will give
it another try, as he always does. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus was tempted not to embrace his cross, but he
carried it to the very end. That was his victory over evil.. Instead, we limited
human beings are not even aware that Satan is ruling our lives. Those moments
in time when he wins us over are often the moments when we feel his domaine
less than ever. I was not aware of his presence until I become aware of God’s
presence. Initially I thought that the reason for this combination was quite
banal, that is: Once you start believing in the supernatural you start
believing in all sort of things. But later I understood that this is just a simplification of a larger problem. I
concluded that there is more than a simple belief in the
supernatural to the simultaneous perception
of good and evil powers. They are both deeply rooted in our psyche and, if we
start listening to our soul, they come to the surface at the same time. Evil
involves our sense, whereas God speaks to our hearts. The latter brings a
spiritual dimension to our lives. The first brings deception.
During his forty days as an ascetic Jesus fasted. It’s hard to imagine
how fasting for a day might feel, let alone for a long period of time. I’ve read that while the
body weakens the spirit is strengthened. Freed from the daily attachment to flavors, the will
acquires power. The mind becomes sharper, more detached. Initially the craving is hard to
suppress, but then it vanishes.The conscience is enlightened, but at the same time subjected to the
risk of believing in its omnipotence. It was at that moment that Jesus was tempted. The allure
of infinite power was before him, but he chose the humble ways of a wandering preacher. He
wasn’t going to be a
warrior and he wasn’t going to free his people by the sword. Instead,
he would be the Lamb of God and our Lord.
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